Chapter 1 "The End"

September 21, 2014

 

   I hate life. Just the thought of living sickens me. Life is disgusting, life is foul, life is horrible and I want nothing more than to rid myself from this miserable existence. Every morning I rise and I am immediately confronted by headaches, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. Anger, frustration and pain are the emotions that grip my mind and twist my thoughts until they are disfigured beyond recognition. I cannot calm the demons within. They rise up to beat me down. The cut me, they stab me and then they leave me to rot. I cry out in agony, I beg for mercy but still the torture continues.

 

   My heart… my heart is non existent. I no longer feel it beat. Love and passion and the feeling of joy no longer flow through it. My heart feels hollow, my heart feels light and often, I feel it clench tight upon itself and squeeze every ounce of hatred and stress into my blood stream. My blood is black, my blood is rotten, my blood is rancid and it corrupts all that is within me. 


   I have no knowledge of where this anger comes. I have continually recalled my past, searched through all memories and confronted all unresolved issues with the hope of finding and defeating the source of this disease but I have found nothing. I have left no stone unturned, no thought un-pondered and without an answer the anger grows. I am left staring into the darkness, alone and fearful for what I might do.


   As hatred of myself increases, so does my hatred towards humanity. The sight, the smell or just the presence of people cause my brow lines to furrow, they cause my fist to clench tighter and thoughts of violence increase at an alarming rate which I cannot control. Over the years I systematically removed cancerous people from my life. The people that fan the flames of hell in order to bask in its warmth, the people that throw stones at a beast hoping to catch a glimpse of its teeth before they run and hide, these people… they will never be a part of my life again. The innocent have also been terminated. Not to punish them but to save them from the demons that possess me. Run. Run far. Run fast. Run until you can't run any more because the darkness that haunts me will hunt you down and devour you the way it devours me. No one is safe… no one.


   If there is a God, a creator, a controller, I beg you, please take my soul. Please free me from this prison planet. Set me free and give the strength and courage to find peace elsewhere. I no longer want this life. I no longer want to live. 

 

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